12 Paths Toward Greater Self-Love

The February 1-day mindfulness retreat at the Barred Owl centered on self-love. Even those of us who thought we had little room for growth in this area were surprised to see how lack of self-love showed up in various aspects of our lives from the daily inability to set boundaries to unhealed trauma from the past and all the unkind words we say to ourselves regularly.

I must admit, though I chose the theme, as I prepared for the retreat, a sense of dread consumed me when I had to confront the myriad ways self-love was not present in my life: not trusting in my abilities, perfectionism, eating too much or being too strict with my diet, for example. As always, mindfulness is about shining a light on and making conscious what has been operating beneath the surface of our lives. Self-love is an ongoing process, and I had to admit that I had been neglecting and dishonoring myself in many ways.

Self-love is not Selfish; It is Essential.

Self-love is not a buzzword or a selfish indulgence—it’s a profound journey of acceptance, compassion, and nurturing towards oneself. As a mindfulness coach, I’ve witnessed firsthand the transformative power of embracing self-love as a daily practice as I have watched folks surpass limitations and reach milestones they previously thought impossible.

At its core, self-love is the unwavering commitment to prioritize your well-being, honor your inherent worth, and cultivate a deep sense of kindness towards yourself, regardless of external circumstances or inner criticisms. It encompasses acknowledging your strengths and accomplishments as well as welcoming your pain and shadow self with the goal of embracing your inherent worthiness and belonging. Its practices fill your cup and overflow into your relationship with others and all you do in the world creating a ripple of positivity and love through every aspect of your life.

Self-love serves as the cornerstone of mental and emotional well-being, empowering us to set healthy boundaries, pursue our passions with confidence, and meet life’s challenges with grace and compassion. So, isn’t it time we all gave this process a closer look?

With persistence and courage we can welcome a healthier, more loving and supportive relationship with ourselves. Here’s how:

1. Know thyself. First, building self-awareness is key. It’s the foundation to EVERYTHING…loving yourself, building better relationships, a better life of fulfilment and contribution. Invest in knowing yourself best.
2. Get in Touch with Emotion. Allow yourself to express how you feel. Allow yourself to feel the feels. Consult the feelings wheel Grab crayons and color emotion; dialogue with emotion. Remember that all emotions are allowed and not to be feared. They are just information. Like the weather here in New England, emotions pass and roll on by. If you need, talk them out with someone.
3. Watch the Self-talk. Pay attention to the way you talk to yourself. We all have an inner critic or a shitty roommate who lives in our head. We need to be aware of this voice and flip the script that often runs on autopilot. Instead, we can give ourselves words of compassion and encouragement the way we would a child or good friend.
4. Move to Mind Your Mood. Create a raise your vibe, or self-love Access your list of danceable tunes and move for 10 minutes when you need or want to shift your energy.
5. Know and Reflect on Your Values. Most often when I am feeling disconnected from myself or down on myself, I’m acting and living out of alignment from my values. What lights you up and makes life worth living? Are your daily actions in alignment with what you say matters most to you?
6. Create a Time and Place for Peace. Create within your space your own mini environment to sit with yourself and breathe. Even if it is just a chair in a corner, create a place for mediation, reflection, or your hobbies. A space of your own. Light a candle, use fragrance, music, guided meditation, journal, or doodle and chill out. Rest that nervous system and take a break from doing and distractions.
7. Know Your Boundaries and Say No. Before you automatically jump to say yes or put others’ whims and wishes before your own, check in with yourself. Practice saying no if that is what your inner voice and wisdom is telling you. Protect your time. Protect your energy from people and situations that drain you or cause you pain. Sometimes this is unavoidable, but see where you have control to exercise.
8. Look at Your Circle. It has been said that we are the sum of the 5 people we spend the most time with. Look at these people, whether at work or home. Are they pleasant? Loving? Supportive? Or are they impolite and negative? Do they value themselves? Do you have shared values?
9. Let Go. To all that drains your energy or causes you pain (that you have control over) release it. Set it and you free. Whether people pleasing, negative thoughts and behaviors, resentments, etc…take time regularly to inventory what is not serving your soul.
10. Learn, Educate Yourself, Grow, Grow, Grow. When you can come to learning about the world from a place of self-awareness and feeling better, your learning will be exponential; your sharing of your gifts and knowledge will be more effective.
11. Celebrate. Write out all that you have survived and accomplished in this life for which you are proud. Then make looking for wins and moments of joy an ongoing daily celebration.

Finally, but most importantly…

12. Forgive Yourself and Others. The work of forgiveness is key. If you have people currently in your life or from your past that you have not fully forgiven, including and especially yourself, this can be a major block to self-love and happiness.

Bonus Self-Love Exercise

Here is my favorite exercise for fostering self-love. Write yourself a love letter. Write all the ways that you appreciate yourself and all the things you love about yourself on paper. Need help getting started, see the template below.

Dear Beloved,

• I am writing you because…
• I thank you for…
• Do you remember when…
• You are [resilient, beautiful, smart, brave, etc.] because…
• Please remember your strengths and gifts of…
• I celebrate you for…
• What I wish for you is…

Sending you love and opening my heart to support you on your mindfulness and self-love journey. I’d love to hear from you or have you join a workshop at the Barred Owl.